The Author Questionnaire: Is This a Trick Question?: A guest post by Heather Lende

I have been trying to fill out an author questionnaire sent to me recently by the PR woman at my publisher. She is very nice, and has no idea what anxiety she has caused me. She assures me this is quick and easy and fun. It has now occupied way more of my waking thoughts than it should. Here are some answers I didn’t send her:

1. Describe your new book in one sentence.

I took me 287 pages to describe what it was about. If I could have done it in one sentence, I’d be a poet.

2. Where do you do your best writing?

If I knew of a place where I could go to do my best writing, all of my writing would be the best.

3. What is your motto or maxim?

Should I have one? Is this common for writers? Not one editor ever has asked for this. They don’t teach writer mottos or maxims in the UAA MFA program. Should it be in Latin?

4. Do you have any secret skills (besides writing, of course?)

Secret? Me? Well, maybe, but they have to do with sex. (I’m grandmother. Trust me, some things should be secret.)

5. Describe the plot of the first story you remember writing.

It was called Gloria’s Last Ride and about a woman who rode a dead, frozen horse like a sled down a hill in Haines and off the dock, in January. I won a prize for it at the Southeast Alaska State Fair. It was rejected by several literary magazines as just too far-fetched and odd. The thing was, it was very close to being true. A frozen horse did slide down the hill and off the dock, and someone did try to ride it, and someone a lot like Gloria died, not right then, but later. Also, the other character really did put rum in my instant coffee and wear a sou’wester to fix a leaking pipe in his basement. That’s where the pool table they laid Soapy Smith’s body on for his wake was kept.

6. If you had to change professions, and needed no credentials, what would you do?

Is writing a profession? Can I have health insurance?

7. Which band would you like to have follow you around, playing the soundtrack to your life?

A Mariachi Band. The Moscow Symphony. My children with kazoos. Asleep at the Wheel. Maybe the Mormon Tabernacle Choir? (Do I have to house and feed them?)

8. What is your all-time-absolute-favorite book?

Is this a trick question? (I’ve written a spiritual memoir, so I should say the Bible, but the writing isn’t all that good, especially the modern translations.)

I don’t mean to disrespectful, and it is very gratifying to be asked such questions. It just took so long to answer them, is all. I have shared this so that you will better prepared than I was. It’s never to early to start thinking about which band you would like to follow you around playing the soundtrack to your life.